As the weeks go on and the season gets deeper, the harder it gets for me to take off my football guy hat. For those of you that listen to The Campus Cover, you would know this is just an alter ego. This is a way to blow off steam and make picks I would never actually bet on in real life because I don’t have the balls. The majority of these teams are more than touchdown underdogs and I’ve only picked one favorite all year. Even with the 9-10 record I’m sitting at, this little Pulitzer-worthy series of articles would have made you an obscene amount of money if someone out there has the balls only El Pollo does.

But, one thing that will never happen is have my football-guy hat cover my fun-guy hat. Or my “pretending to have huge balls” guy hat. Or my “vague connection to Gus Fring from Breaking Bad” hat. And nothing will ever be more important than my “I am drunk and bored at 3 am on a Monday (Tuesday?) and I want to make some football picks that make no sense” hat. El Pollo, much like Goonies, never say die.

Oh yeah, and guess what. UAB is an underdog again. You know what that means. (For reference since I have endorsed them publicly, UAB is 2-1 including a win as 11 point underdogs and 3-0 against the spread. Go Blazers).

Central Michigan teaches its offensive lineman to dance

There are two types of people in this world. Those that can make fun of themselves, and those who suck. Among that first group of people is an offensive lineman for the San Francisco 49ers, who are very bad. His name is Joe Staley, and he attended a school in Mt. Pleasant, Michigan called Central Michigan. I did check, and yes it is very centrally located, so I can still make this pick without hating myself. Joe Staley is currently on a Pepsi ad with Rob Corddry of Ballers fame. Joe Staley is making a fool of himself in this commercial, mostly because he can not really do the worm. I am going to go with Central Michigan this week to reward all those people in the world that can take a joke.

Which tiger is more realistic?

This week, Auburn and LSU meet in Baton Rouge in a battle of Tigers. In case you have been duped by the mascot choice, neither Alabama nor Louisiana is an indigenous home to tigers. In fact, tigers don’t even really hang out in North America unless they are in a zoo. I feel like the best way to pick this game is to decide where a tiger could survive longer if he was taken from his home and plopped in the American South.

I made a few important points to keep in mind about tiger habitats and climates. They need shelter, food and water. Water is probably the most important of the three because it not only cools them down when they get overheated, but it gives them the ability to show off their expert swimming ability.

I think there is a clear choice here. Tigers like living in swampy areas due to the large amount of water and food. They can swim, or shroud themselves in the forest. On the other hand, Auburn, which is in the warmer half of the state of Alabama, would not provide the cover or the protection from heat that tigers need. Baton Rouge would be a better home for a tiger. Go LSU for not lying that bad when they made their mascot.

Victor E. Bull is edgy

Victor E. Bull, the mascot of University of Buffalo’s sports teams, is truly a very edgy character. The septum piercing no longer is a symbol of bulls, but of edginess. I imagine Victor E. Bull to be pursuing a degree in fine arts and puts kale in his smoothies and dates girls that don’t shave their armpits. Maybe it’s just because this is half the demographic of Temple, but I can’t even think of a bull when an actual bull is wearing a bull piercing. Regardless, it makes me feel vaguely at home and there’s a really interesting demographic of hot girls that have a septum piercing and there’s just something about it. Victor E. Bull is just more interesting than all the other mascots. He reads modernist poetry and smokes hand-rolled cigarettes and stuff. Go Bulls.

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