With at least one more season of David Beaty unfortunately on the horizon, it’s apparent that the only reasons to attend a Kansas Jayhawks football game is for Family Weekend, you know somebody on the team or if you’ve got plans to get plastered at The Hawk immediately afterwards. With KU being a dry campus, it’s understandably difficult to find enjoyable activities at the stadium, so here’s a list based on my general experiences through one year of fun “diversions” from the on field product.

*Disclaimer – I genuinely feel bad for the guys on the team, busting their ass in practice, having to endure being the laughing stock of the Power Five. It’s not fair. These guys aren’t picking Kansas to win National Championships and I don’t want anybody to think I’m questioning their effort because I’ve seen these guys tough it out on the field, take an utter beatdown against simply a better coached, prepared and more talented group of individuals, but they wear their heart on their sleeves and I’m out here blogging, giving everybody a hard time. So don’t take this personally…unless you’re Peyton Bender. You ruined any sense of pride my best friend and die-hard KU football fan Jackson had:

Part 1 – January 18th, 2017

Part 2 – October 21st, 2017 – TCU Horned Frogs, 43 – Jayhawks, 0 – Bender finished 7/16, 38 passing yards, -23 rushing yards.

You just hate to see that.

1. Chew on your fingernails.

Have you ever caught yourself chewing on your fingernails in high stress situations? This isn’t one of those times, rather you may find yourself munching on the cuticles to keep yourself entertained. I always had my hand smacked out of my mouth by one of my parents, but after living on my own for nine months, I can proudly announce I’ve whittled my fingertips down to the knuckle out of pure boredom.

2. Listen to the marching band play six seconds of your favorite TV show theme song.

Is that the score to Game of Thrones I hear? I guess we’ll never know because they only played the first nine notes of the damn thing. I don’t know why they insist on playing minuscule snippets of random theme music. I’d understand if the play was starting and they had to quiet down, but it took between thirty-five and forty seconds in-between each play, so why blare music for a few ticks off the clock and resort to silence the next twenty-five seconds, seemingly the equivalent of an eternity. I’m convinced they simply haven’t learned the music beyond the first three bars in the sheet music.

3. Watch the inevitable 2019 Heisman Trophy winner dance his way around the Jayhawks.

Whether Kyler Murray is good enough to make Heisman consideration or it’s any one of the top talents in the Big 12, beware of crotch-grabbers on the Memorial Stadium visiting sideline. They have a high success rate of winning the highly coveted award. You’ll only see this if you’ve somehow managed to stay awake or in attendance by the time the game reaches “blow out” status. Should be somewhere around the end of the first…minute.

4. Reminisce about the time Kansas beat Texas in a real football game and dumped the goalposts into Potter Lake.

Remember that game? The weekend I was accepted to the University of Kansas, November 19, 2016? I remember. So does anybody who calls themselves a fan of the game of college football. The Kick Heard ‘Round The World?! Charlie Strong’s Last Stand?! David Beaty’s First and Only Signature Win?! Why not all three? If you’ve ever held your breath for a tap in kick in overtime in a random ass game in the middle of the season, you were probably watching the Kansas vs. Texas game. And you probably thought, “wow, I just witnessed history. The first and only FBS and conference victory of David Beaty’s career.” And when all is said and done, you storm the field, and cause havoc the only way Jayhawks know. That’s the best part about those games; if the unthinkable happens, you win your first real game since the Charlie Weis era, and you secure your first victory over the Longhorns is decades, you absolutely rush the field, yank the posts out of the ground and hold a march the quarter-mile to the pond just beyond the gates.

Oh, and what did Jackson have to say during the one Big 12 game that Kansas ended up winning with Beaty? Let’s see if I can find anythi… oh no, Jackson, not like this.

5. Get irrationally upset at the way Public Address Announcer pronounces Kansas, “Kahn-Zuss.”

Sorry buddy, but you are the game announcer at Memorial Stadium during an era where we’re the worst Power Five football program in the COUNTRY. Stop acting like ye doth belong in ole English plays starring Peyton Bender.

6. Homework

If you end up going to the bars after the clock expires to forget where and how you spent the past three hours, it might be wise to crank out a few assignments before you’re so blasted you’ve forgotten how to walk and somehow, the entire English language. Make sure anything you need to work on fits in a clear plastic bag you can pick up at the Union before heading to the game. It’d be a real shame if they didn’t allow you in and you had to turn back and actually enjoy your weekend elsewhere.

7. Shout #Fire(insert new Athletic Director name here)

Sheahon Zenger’s replacement isn’t going to turn this one-win football program into a perennial championship contender overnight unless he plucks Nick Saban from Alabama, so with previous knowledge of, and encounters with KU faithful, it’ll take two and a half quarters at home for those chants to start. It might not have great participation if everybody’s voices are drained from crying out “#FireBeaty.”

Let’s check back in with Jackson one more time:

8. Wish, with all of your might, that basketball season is close.

Except for March, there’s not a more exciting time on campus than the transition period from football to basketball. Dreaming of entering Allen Fieldhouse among savage campers out to get their desired seat. The funniest part? There’s not a bad seat in Allen. Students will hop over each other trying to get close to the ESPN cameras, but no matter where you’re standing in the field house, you’re watching a damn good basketball team. At Memorial Stadium, the only times we get to see a damn good football team is when Oklahoma, Oklahoma State or any Big 12 school for that matter comes to town.

9. Decide between Peyton Bender, Carter Stanley or a bullet to the brain.

I’ve written about the KU quarterback situation this offseason and it was so painful, I don’t plan on doing it again. You can check out what was said here:

A Jayhawk’s (Half-Hearted) Prayer for Keller Chryst

Really dodged a bullet with Chryst committing to Tennessee instead, but…um… the Jayhawks still haven’t found a QB to throw it to the right team.

10. Stay in your dorm and watch a good game on TV instead.

I lived directly on the other side of campus from Memorial Stadium, so it was much easier to stay in bed, watch the Fighting Illini and Fighting Irish back-to-back, take an afternoon nap and not miss my Saturday night. It’s not like I was missing much. Sorry, Kansas Athletic Department, I love you dearly, but until the product on the field is worth my time, I’m not going to make my way to the north end of campus just to wind up sitting on my phone for three hours watching bad college football; I can do that from bed.

Looking for a post game activity?

Box Combo, extra toast, no slaw, lemonade, light ice. #CANNNNEEESSS

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